RATING THE FLAMERS
by AZDuck - August 29, 2000

We all read the ridiculous posts put forth by silly individuals such as myself during football season and quite often the rest of the year. In fact, one of my prouder moments as a poster on eDuck was to be labeled "the dispenser of Duck dogma" by the redoubtable Duck Fighter himself.

So I've done my research (okay, I looked at a few message boards and tried to remember some others) and I've come up with a kind of Top 25 of message board flamers. This list doesn't include myself, because, as you ALL know, I never flame. Heh heh he heh he heh. This list represents a Duck's viewpoint from postings primarily on eDuck or the other Pacific Northwest boards (Dawgman.com, Cougfan.com, Beaver Sports Central), so if you're a Trojan or a Bruin or a Wildcat or a Sun Devil and you don't see one of your favorite flamers hereabouts- my apologies. Perhaps this can serve as somebody's twisted guide to the upcoming fire season.

• Duck Fighter He's the preseason champ because Huskies are always leaders in the preseason rankings. Also, he has actually made me angry on one or two occasions, proof that you really can ruffle my feathers if you try hard enough.



• DANDYDUCK This guy really gets the Beavers hopping mad. His signature call sign is "Tweeeeeeeet!! Move the Sticks!! FIRSTDOWN DUCKS!!" and it seems to send the Beaver faithful into fits of apoplectic rage. Stylistically he doesn't usually say much but he gets all kinds of mileage from the annoyance he causes.



• Bill Fleenor Ol' Bill would probably say that he isn't a flamer. But mere mention of his name at eDuck causes people to breathe fire. His "Oregon Myth" published on his website last year may have been factually questionable, but sent posters on both sides of the Columbia into a frenzy.



• Beaverfuzz Another guy who gets strong reactions from many. His "I know you are but what am I" rhetorical style is as maddening as it is defiant of logic. But that's the beauty of the die-hard Beaver fan. Rooting for the Beavs has, until recently, been an illogical exercise, so the whole thing makes sense. Cyber-Stalking DuxFan is another thing entirely, and whether or not his name is really Rian Flad doesn't matter because its such a great name that it should be his.



• Flyboy Duck Visits from this torch-meister par excellence are rare but always a must-open. Ditto for posts from Paul Drake, Lt. Arthur Tragg, and the others who regularly engage curs, barkrats, and refectors in cyber-discourse. There is a possibility that Mr. Drake may in fact be the Flyboy himself. They have never been seen together in public.



• Nurse Ratchett Beaver-torturer extraordinare, the Big Nurse has expanded her repertoire from heavy doses of cheap shaving lotion and electro-shock therapy on flat-tailed Rodents to the canine world.



• Merle We probably won't see him this season, but Merle "Chilliwack Fan" was a Minnesota Golden Gopher fan whose bellicose outbursts prompted what I think is one of the funniest posts ever on eDuck prior to last year's Sun Bowl: "Why don't you get a t-shirt that says 'Hi, my name is Merle, I'm really drunk and I want to fight you.'"



• Old Dowg Apparently this Dawg is long in the tooth, slurs his words, and speaks mainly in limericks. And many long threads have followed his six-or-seven word posts.



• DRYSIDE COUG He actually wasn't that funny, but his questions at the end of last season annoyed Dawgman.com posters pretty badly, and that's gotta count for something. In somewhat affirmative-action-for-Wazzu style I had to get at least one Coog in the Top Ten.

• Canard One of the great rabble-rousers, and I hope we see more of him this fall. He wrote a response to Fleenor's "Washington Myth" last winter which burned up three or four boards for a week. Was it accurate? Well, in parts. You know the internet. Was it funny? Absolutely.



• Swami Sez I've been really hard on this guy, but he's probably not that bad. Its just that he came to eDuck last fall telling us that the Ducks had no chance against mighty USC last fall, and, oh yeah, that Carson Palmer had done a Pepsi commercial (illegal under NCAA rules) and was a Heisman candidate in his freshman year. Then Carson stunk it up against the Ducks until Michael Fletcher broke his collarbone. But the Swami was entertaining, and I hope he comes back, and that Palmer plays badly again. Nobody needs to break anything this time.



• Yosemite Sam Who'd have thought that he would be a Duck fan? But he (and his mule) have an uncanny ability to defend the Ducks against largely Beaver foes.



• M4Dux What?! The site administrator of eDuck? You betcha. Just ask Allen Wallace about whether Maurice Morris ever verballed to USC.



• Triangle and Two One of the only regulars of a non Pacific Northwest board to make this list. Because I live in Tucson (until Friday, anyway) I look at the Arizona boards a great deal, and this guy is the biggest Tomey basher there is, continually referring to him as "Old Worthless." Most of the time I agree with him.



• Duckbill Speaking of naysayers, how about our own d-bill? Whether or not he's actually a flamer is an open question. But many duck fans question whether he is actually a Duck at all due to what is perceived as his constant negative comments about Oregon sports and coaches. Certainly on controversy alone, he should make this list.



• Hoser He's not really that funny, but he's invented a technique which could be really great if it were applied evenhandedly and consistently: the Flame Rating. I would love it if somebody could divorce themselves from their feelings for their team and apply the Flame Rating to posts. I've read some anti-Duck posts which had me rolling on the floor and some flames by Ducks which had me hiding my face in shame. The Flame Rating is an innovation which gets Hoser onto this list.



• Go Or Ducks While he probably doesn't consider himself a flamer, and tries to pass as a reasonable voice... he is as involved as any of us are in the tit-for-tat of Open Season. Perhaps more importantly, he openly admits to a friendship with the infamous Beaverfuzz, er Rian Flad, um, whomever. Inadvertently responsible for much silliness in the wake of what has been labeled by Duck Fighter as "Pampergate" over and over and over...



• Ken Dawg Here's another guy that swears he isn't a flamer. He's got plenty of Duck Fans fooled as well. You hear them, all the time, saying "if only all the Husky fans were as classy as Ken Dawg." The reality of Ken Dawg is, as soon as he says, "No flame intended" the heat is on. Don't be fooled.



• I B O B I actually miss this guy. One of the most virulent Beaver posters around, someone came back posting as IBOB this summer and it was funny. Really just the typical Corvallis "you're a bunch of smelly hippies" thing but IBOB did it better than most of them. Here's hoping he shows up again on Open Season.



• Beevalot He tends to do his flaming on the UO recruiting board, which irritates me. Also, he claims to have inside knowledge of what goes on in the world of football players and coaches. Does he really? This is the internet. Who knows? But for consistency, he makes the list.

LAME FLAMERS: The Bottom Five

• State of Orange Just because you can type at a computer doesn't make you funny or interesting to read. Just because you talk about sports doesn't mean you have a clue. Just because you hate the Ducks doesn't mean you make any sense at all. And just because you're a welcher means you're pretty much the lamest flamer of all time.



• No-Name Flamers You know who I'm talking about: the guys who create verbal static all over the boards, interfering with actual conversation and impeding entertainment derived from reading actual funny flames. They never have real handles, and last as long as they think people are reading them. Every now and again they get tripped up and humiliated, and that's a good thing, but not as good as the warfare between Duck Fighter and Flyboy.



• Dirty Duck This guy was an embarrassment on Dawgman for a few weeks. Basically blathered about how the Ducks will win by five or six touchdowns, and then, challenged by the Husky faithful to put some money where his mouth was, he backed down. Really lame.

• MLD We can't forget this fellow. LOL After all, its only been a few weeks since we last saw him and Bellotti still hasn't won a conference title. LOL And if you dispute anything he says, then you're admitting that he's right or else you wouldn't be arguing with him. LOL



• Bruins Win Round 2 Funny how this guy appeared at the beginning of the tounament, and disappeared so quickly. His entire purpose was to bag on the Duck hoops team for losing in the first round and berate Duck fans for feeling like they should have had a better tournament draw than the 7-10 seeds in the East. My guess? Jealous Beaver fan under an alias